Discovering Women’s Sexual Health
When I was in the 6th grade our teachers separated the boys and girls into two classrooms so that we could learn about the changes that were going to happen to our bodies.
What I remember the most about that day was how awkward it was after the session was over and we were reunited in our classrooms. There was the expected giggling and hushed questions about what each gender had learned but there was also an unexpected feeling. Discovering that we were different changed how comfortable we were with each other. There were stirrings in our bodies that were intriguing and curious, a sense that would one day mean something, but at the time felt strange.
Learning about the parts of my body would be quite different from learning how to integrate the physical changes with how I would feel as I became a woman. Girls were taught that we have a vagina and ovaries and that we would one day menstruate and perhaps have babies. What we could not be taught was the actual meaning of gender, the power of our sexuality, what it would feel like to desire another, or how we may judge (or be judged by others) because of these feelings.
As a Boston relationship therapist I recognize the importance of women's sexual health as necessary to achieving a deep level of intimacy with a partner. Sexual health is not one single thing, but rather many things. At the core of women’s sexual health is the ability to be comfortable with both the physical body and the thoughts and feelings associated with being sexual. There are several things that can affect our ability to feel comfortable with our sexuality, including religious beliefs, cultural beliefs, the communication style of your family of origin, and negative core beliefs about self. How women see ourselves as sexual beings is affected by our community, social media, how women are depicted in movies and television, and our experiences in intimate relationships.
Sexual health is achieved when we understand who we are as sexual beings and are open to exploring sexual desire without feeling the need to shut off or deny a part of ourselves.
A disconnection can occur between our internal and external worlds if our desire is suppressed/denied or we are unable to fully share this part of ourselves with someone we love. It is important to understand how this disconnection occurs and make sense of why we are sexual beings and how (in a very beautiful way) this desire can connect us to one another.
I am able to see the development of my own sexual health as the natural result of my childhood experience. Growing up in an Irish Catholic home in the 70’s, I believe the awkward relationship I developed with my sexuality was due to the cultural and religious beliefs of my parents, and more specifically, my mother. What made it feel awkward was that while inwardly the feelings felt natural, the inability to talk about them made them feel shameful. I recognize now that my mother was the one person in my life who could have influenced my comfort with my sexuality because she had been me and I was trying to become her.
In recent years I have had many discussions with my mother that have helped me to understand how difficult it had been for women of her generation to live as sexual beings. Religious beliefs were intensely driven by guilt and shame and educated her to believe that her feelings and desires were wrong. For my mother to have taught me differently would have meant a complete departure from her religious beliefs which was something she could never imagine doing. Because she was not able to see her sexuality as natural and healthy, I learned the way she learned. Essentially I was influenced by watching her shame and embarrassment.
As I got older, my sexual beliefs were further developed as I dated and eventually got married, but the disconnection still existed. I was going through the motions, having average sex that lacked any true emotional substance. Even though I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say when asked the question, “What feels good to you?” I definitely lacked the courage to answer it.
Before I became a relationship therapist in Boston, I thought that the era I grew up in was responsible for my sexual beliefs and that things had changed due to feminism and the internet. Women are portrayed differently today, more independently, more powerfully, and more sexually. I assumed with these changes came a change in the bedroom for young women today. What I am discovering is that both men and women continue to lack the language to talk about healthy sex. Social media and television/movies appear to be creating a conversation about women’s sexual health that acknowledges that women should be enjoying sex and the internet has provided a forum for research. I believed that having the information readily available would change how couples have sex, but that is often not the case.
We continue to struggle to engage in a conversation about a lack of intimacy in our relationships and suppress feelings of loneliness and hurt.
How do we talk about the feelings of rejection and disconnection when sexual frequency changes in our relationships? How do we ask our partner for sex we want if we are not certain they do? And how do we talk about what feels good, what hurts, what feels emotionally (un)comfortable, without feeling ashamed or embarrassed? When sex is healthy in your mind, it feels amazing in your body, and allows you to feel more connected to your partner.
The question is, how do we develop the language? A good place to begin is in understanding your belief system about your individual sexuality and how it was formed. As children the world around us helps us to create strong opinions about self that can be reinforced as we experience life. Our relationships and life events can reaffirm those beliefs so that difficult negative beliefs can feel as if they are impossible to change. For instance, often we feel uncomfortable with our body because of painful experiences or comments others have made that wounded our sense of self. In this way, our sexuality is formed by multiple factors that affirm or offend our physical, emotional, and mental selves. If the goal is to achieve a state of well-being that allows you to fully participate in and enjoy sexual activity, you must first unpack the physical, psychological, interpersonal, and social factors that influenced your belief system.
For example, as you were becoming a woman, how did you feel about your body changing? What were the cultural and religious beliefs influencing how your family discussed sex in your home? As you began dating, what were your early relationships with men like? Perhaps you were confused by the double standard of boys versus girls and the expectation that girls remain pure. The key to this language is unlearning the negative thoughts we have about sexual desire, our bodies, and removing the shame associated with sex. Developing a positive relationship with our bodies, understanding that we are sexual beings, and recognizing the importance of physical touch is necessary in order to be able to communicate our sexual and emotional needs to our partner. Social media, tv, movies, and books about women’s orgasms are just the beginning of the change. The real conversation is the one that removes the personal obstacles from your thoughts and allows you to truly bond with your partner.
It was once believed that sex was for the sole purpose of procreation. In June of 1960, the first oral contraceptive was approved by the FDA, allowing couples to imagine having sex simply for pleasure. This was nearly a decade before my birth, and yet I did not feel the influence of this freedom as I was being raised and taught about sexuality. What I realize as a therapist is the importance of love making/sex beyond pleasure and conception.
Physical touch can be a wonderful pathway to re-engage and reconnect couples and create a deep emotional connection.
I can see that as a society, despite social media and marketing, we are still not there yet. Watching others live on social media often results in feeling isolated and magnifies our feelings of being not good enough. Additionally, many women have experienced painful events or have negative beliefs about their body that make unpacking and processing the factors that influence their sexuality very difficult. The therapeutic setting can be a place to help heal trauma to a person’s sexuality, to help a couple remove barriers to intimacy and create a language for love making, and help individuals remove uncomfortable feelings of guilt and shame so that they can embrace their sexual drive. We need to be able to talk about the influences and barriers to our sexual health in a safe environment so that we are able to embrace our sexuality as a natural part of being human.
Ellen Wood is a Boston-based counselor and relationship therapist. She is available for in-person and Telehealth appointments.
