Support after Infidelity

I am starting a support group for partner’s betrayed by infidelity, because I know what it’s like to experience it. Fifteen years ago my ex-husband’s infidelity changed almost everything about me. I was a different woman before finding the first text message and letter from his affair partner. During the first 17 years of marriage I did what I thought was expected of a young mother and wife. In a sense, I was naive then, but when I dug deeper, under the hurt and anger, I began to wonder if I had ever been true to myself. His affair made me question myself more than I questioned him or the reasons for his actions. My life became divided into three distinct stages: before, during, and after the affair. Looking back, the “during phase” was when I needed the most support.

I believe that major shifts in a relationship reveal more than what is at the surface. An affair may be a sign that there is something wrong in a relationship, but what was wrong for my ex-husband was very different from what was wrong for me. Finding out about his affair was the most terrifying moment of my life. Every single thing I had built my identity around was at risk. I wanted to throw him out of the house and hold onto him with all my might at the same time. I was confused, overwhelmed, and shocked. I spent too much time crying on my bathroom floor, soothed by the cold tile and the sound of the running shower. But as painful and frightening as this time was, I came to realize my biggest truth. I did not divorce my husband because he had a three year affair; I divorced him because I could not go back to being the person I was before.

Living with someone who is having an affair is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The person I was supposed to be able to count on to keep me safe was suddenly the one causing my fears. The initial discovery of the affair was followed by a period of lies and denial wherein I could not talk about any of my thoughts or feelings. All of the emotions were trapped inside my body, and they started to show up physically in chronic illness and weight loss. Talking to my family made it harder rather than easier. I could see my pain on their faces, and I could understand how comforting it was for them to deny what was happening rather than face it. On a few occasions I shared the infidelity with friends, and their responses were to pull back from me as if infidelity might be contagious. Instead of being there for me, they became suspicious of their spouses, leaving me feeling lonelier and more insecure than ever. The people who loved me meant well, but their distance further confirmed the fact that I was alone with my pain. I searched the internet trying to understand why he was cheating, and if I could save our marriage. I went to Barnes and Nobles and stared at the titles of the self-help section trying to understand what was happening to my life. I could not find the one thing I really needed, someone I thought could really understand me. Sadly, there was no safe space in my world for me to process how the affair was affecting me.

For more than five years I lived with the emotional chaos created by the affair, three while it happened and two while we pretended it didn't happen. He promised that, if ever I could not handle what he had done, he would understand and leave quietly. This would become another one of the lies I endured. The breaking apart of a family should feel painful and tragic, because it is painful and tragic. Every single one of us was affected. I knew that my children were watching everything I did during those years and that fact dictated many of my behaviors and choices. The most natural thing would have been for me to unravel, scream, break things, drink alcohol, cry, or the most tempting thing, stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I know now that it makes sense to express the true feelings that you are having in the healthiest way possible, but I couldn’t then. My fears prevented me from doing what was healthy for me. The fear that another woman would be my children’s step-mother, the loss of family holidays, the loneliness I imagined kept me from speaking. One day I imploded and screamed at the top of my lungs, “I want a divorce!!!” Neither my ex-husband, nor myself, were taking care of me, and I felt I had to leave the relationship.

The power of group therapy is that there is an important common thread that links the group members and provides a sense of trust and safety. Every relationship is as different as the people that make them up. How infidelity impacts your life and your ability to get support and process your pain depends on many things beyond the scope of your relationship with your partner. I understand the need for you to have a space created for you and how important it is to feel supported. You need to be understood, accepted, and heard without judgment. 

In the process of healing and recovery, I have learned some very important life lessons about the importance of human connection. When an important trust bond is broken in our lives, it becomes difficult to share ourselves in an intimate way. For this reason, I became self-protective and often felt vulnerable in situations I would have felt safe in the past. Our bodies have a physical reaction to traumatic events, and our brain reacts with hypervigilance and sensitivity to danger. My body was telling me that I was not safe, and it was difficult to trust other people to care for me. I was using my emotional brain to make my logical decisions, and I learned that what I needed was to calm my emotional brain so that I could think my thoughts clearly. Human connection was what I needed in order to feel safe. In the presence of love and support we can safely confront our feelings and become the best version of ourselves. In the beginning I was unable to see how I could grow from infidelity. Growth came from having the courage to face difficult feelings, from learning how to love myself, and from allowing love to come into my life. Allowing myself to connect with others is how I continue to grow.

There is a temptation when we are in pain to isolate and deny or mask negative thoughts and feelings with work, exercise, or substances. We hope that with time the pain will pass. These avoidance skills can be replaced with coping skills to begin the healing process. I am starting a support group to help facilitate that process of restoration and healing. If you or someone you love is suffering due to infidelity, a support group could make the difference. It would have made a difference for me.